To flog, or not to flog?

By Francis Ewherido

There is an ongoing debate on whether or not parents should flog children as part of parenting. The debate is necessitated by some recent developments, among them a 12-year-old girl in Enugu, whose back was lacerated by the parents with a cane and possibly other objects.

Cane was freely used in homes and schools in those days. It was meant to correct and discipline the children, or so the parents and school authorities felt. Sometimes, it turned out to be sheer cruelty, especially in schools.

These days, there seems to be less use of cane in homes and schools, especially private schools where the use of cane has been banned in some schools. Those for use of cane usually quote the bible, “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Proverbs 19:24). But more frequently, they quote a phrase from the poem by Samuel Butler, “spare the rod and spoil the child.” Those against it say, it is cruel, barbaric and outdated.

My understanding of both quotes above is that children should be disciplined, not necessarily with cane, because as Proverbs 22:5 says, “A child is going to do foolish things. But correcting him will drive his foolishness far away from him.”

There is no way around it. Children must be whipped into line, especially in the first 10 years of their lives. That is when they are most amenable to change. Those parents, who failed in their responsibility at this stage of their children’s lives, are paying dearly for it.

A mother was flogging the daughter for spending the night in her boyfriend’s house. The girl seized the cane and started flogging the mother. They brawled until they were separated.

There are many ways to enforce discipline and each parent must come with what works for them. True, children have a way of comporting themselves at the sight of a cane, but it should be used with wisdom. I watched a video, where the father flogged his 18-year-old daughter due to disobedience.

I was slightly discomforted watching it. I respect his choice of discipline, but I have not and will not do that to my children of that age. I scarcely used cane on my children in their early days because I suffered more emotional pains than the physical pain they suffered. When I did, it was, in very extreme cases, to help put an end to potentially destructive tendencies or repeated wrongdoings.

In the latter cases, they came to apologise after they finished crying. In all cases, it was used in conjunction with advice, mentoring, scolding, close marking and prayers. And the use of cane only took place before age 14.

Thereafter or even before, we sat down together, discussed issues and arrived at some common grounds. Any parents whose main tool of discipline is the use of a cane probably has poor parenting skills

I used to draw a line between using the cane to discipline children out of love and using the cane cruelly. But I have had a rethink. The kind of cruelty that has been meted out to children recently by parents and guardians has changed my perception. Some parents cannot draw the line between lovingly disciplining children and outright cruelty.

Some parents visit their failures and frustrations in their workplaces, businesses and marriages on the children. My recent aversion to the use of the cane might also be because I am growing softer as I grow older. In the 70s, I was my mother’s butcher of chickens, but I cannot bring myself to slaughtering chickens anymore.

Many parents with strong character and high moral standing bring up their children well without frequent use of the cane. There are children, who were never flogged (there were occasional quarantines, slaps and spanking of their bums with hands, though), who have turned out to be responsible adults.

There are also children, who were flogged on a daily basis, who have turned out badly. Some became hardened criminals. The use of cane is not necessarily the solution in whipping children into line, although it can sometimes come handy, whether used or not.

When you discipline, you should have built a parent-child relationship over time that the child will understand that you love him/her in spite of the disciplinary measures. It is the bad behaviour that you hate. Parents should hone their parenting skills and stop taking refuge in the use of cane.

Every child has a distinct personality. Some are stubborn and parents really need to be very firm with them. Others are pliable and will run along with a little bit of correction. There are some who do not fear the cane. You remember that little school girl in Sapele, Delta State, who said her teachers will flog and flog until they get tired.

So what do you do to such a child, flog her to death? Parents are leaders; sometimes, you need to reason with your children until they buy into your line of thought and own it. They do not do this because you are the parent, they do it because they believe it is the right thing to do.

Today’s parents have some odds stacked against them. In those days, parenting had communal support, but now parents have to singlehandedly raise their children.

We also have the challenge of the new media. In those days, parents found it easier to shield their children from negative external influences. But these days, even if you lock up your children at home, the rest of the world can influence them via television and the new media. Parents’ time has also become less flexible.

But it is not all gloom. Today’s parents have many things going for them. Many of us had illiterate parents, who could not read to enhance their parenting skills. But now many of us are not only literate, we have an avalanche of literature, which is widely and readily available for us to hone our parenting skills.

Also, since many parents were illiterate then, they could not read the bible, one of the most potent tools for parenting. But now, many of us are literate and the bible is now widely available for our use.

Parents should get into their children’s world so that they can share it with them. We must be friends with our children. Parents-children relationships in those days were mainly vertical. Today’s parents should build horizontal relationships.

It does not diminish your role as a parent. Helping your children find and live their passions also helps in making parenting easy. The children simply concentrate on their passions, which helps to keep them focussed.

Now my conclusion of the matter; while I feel parents should deploy all weapons in their arsenal to win the increasingly-difficult war of bringing up their children properly, the cane is like a nuclear weapon which should not be used anyhow; the cane is like that big masquerade that is seen only once in 100 years. It should never be a daily or regular disciplinary tool. We also know certainly that the bible did not say, “Take the cane/rod and kill/maim the child.”